Tuesday, 15 April 2014

feeling positive about bowel cancer.

I continue to be somewhat mentally pre-occupied by my cancer diagnosis. I don't feel all that negative about things. I've had perhaps some surprising set of thoughts and wonder if others who find themselves in the same boat have had them too.

First sort of positive thoughts was, well, at least I don't have to worry about finding a job for a bit, and that back ground issue of not being part of a pension scheme started to seem quite unimportant.

And I think that is the seed of a lot of my positivity:

Maybe I don't recover, and die relatively young - if treatment fails, I'll probably live pain free(ish) for several years before dying. And in that time, I will have effectively retired.

I always optimistically thought in my late teens and early twenties, that I'd get rich (just about enough) with the purpose of retiring at 35. Perhaps I have! Although life may be shorter than previously anticipated. I also always imagined that when my old age as a pensioner, I'd have an allotment - And I right now, have an allotment which I can spend time on. And everybody who I know and care about, is still alive. Many people for example, grow old and die, and maybe they're alone - if my treatment fails, this doesn't happen to me.

Perhaps the treatment works and a cure is achieved, or else at least a significant extension of my life is expected- then perhaps I move on with clearer mind of what is important. I noted that whilst sat in the hospital having been originally told I almost certainly have cancer, that I found myself thinking about life in general, and discounting rather a lot of things I wanted to do in life and becoming quite focused on what was really of high value importance. If the treatment is successful, perhaps I benefit from that realisation.

Either way, there seems to many reasons to be positive. We all live and die and I think you only really remember your last few years in any detail; my twenties seemed to last forever, but I can't remember really doing anything except getting the best job ever at juice games, when a different part of my life seemed to begin.

Even if time is short, I still think there should be enough time to make some sort of scratch if not a dent in the world.

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