I
continue to be somewhat mentally pre-occupied by my cancer diagnosis. I
don't feel all that negative about things. I've had perhaps some
surprising set of thoughts and wonder if others who find themselves in
the same boat have had them too.
First sort of positive
thoughts was, well, at least I don't have to worry about finding a job
for a bit, and that back ground issue of not being part of a pension scheme started to seem quite unimportant.
And I think that is the seed of a lot of my positivity:
Maybe I don't recover, and die relatively young - if treatment fails,
I'll probably live pain free(ish) for several years before dying. And in
that time, I will have effectively retired.
I always
optimistically thought in my late teens and early twenties, that I'd get
rich (just about enough) with the purpose of retiring at 35. Perhaps I
have! Although life may be shorter than previously anticipated. I also
always imagined that when my old age as a pensioner, I'd have an
allotment - And I right now, have an allotment which I can spend time
on. And everybody who I know and care about, is still alive. Many people
for example, grow old and die, and maybe they're alone - if my
treatment fails, this doesn't happen to me.
Perhaps the
treatment works and a cure is achieved, or else at least a significant
extension of my life is expected- then perhaps I move on with clearer
mind of what is important. I noted that whilst sat in the hospital
having been originally told I almost certainly have cancer, that I found
myself thinking about life in general, and discounting rather a lot of
things I wanted to do in life and becoming quite focused on what was
really of high value importance. If the treatment is successful, perhaps
I benefit from that realisation.
Either way, there seems to
many reasons to be positive. We all live and die and I think you only
really remember your last few years in any detail; my twenties seemed to
last forever, but I can't remember really doing anything except getting
the best job ever at juice games, when a different part of my life
seemed to begin.
Even if time is short, I still think there should be enough time to make some sort of scratch if not a dent in the world.
